Break ups.

Break ups... They always seem like the right thing to do. Until you find yourself all alone on the couch with your cat watching Cougar Town feeling lonely and depressed. Most likely I'll be drinking a huge glass of wine thats filled to the top not bothering to sip it slow. 
 Why is that when you break up with someone you seem to always be thinking... is this what I really want? 
 If you're like me you would be finding things to get your mind off the guy you just dumbed. For example, sleeping with other men, getting wasted till you end up calling a booty call, go shopping, and then finally realizing that everything you're doing is pointless because your somehow on the phone with the guy you just dumped 3 days ago. 
 This is whats wrong with me, I seem to always forget why I dumbed him in the first place. I always seem to think about the hot body he has and his sexy eyes and him only paying attention to me. I never seem to actually stop and think about the fights and how fucking annoying he is and how much I want to hit him in the fucking head with a bat when he talks. For some reason I tend to want him to take me back after I dump him just so I can remember why I dumped him in the first place. 
 Now that I have him back, I'm now pondering on how I should break it down easily for him. I was to say something like, "Hey, you're hott but every time you open your month I want to cry at such a waste of life. Since your personality is clearly not good enough." or "Hey, go switch personalities with someone I like and then get back to me." 

xox
Dylan

Fallen.

I can't seem to sleep or remember my days. Everything has become a blur, my life, my future and myself. Have I reached the point where I don't care about anything? My feelings have become numb to the fact that I just cant feel or see or sleep or do remotely anything. Every time I look back on what I've written on my past doesn't make sense anymore. Am I crazy? Is my life always going to a story to me? Is it weird that I think about death? That I want to die? I know its selfish and stupid but I keep feeling like it will happen to me any moment now. That it's coming for me. I'm falling down and no one is here to catch me. I keep having dreams about my mother. How she's still alive and out there waiting for me to come see her. In my dreams I get to close to reaching her but then poof! I awake. 
 Do you believe you lived a life before the present. I feel as if I have and sometimes I remember bits of it then it disappears and reappears all the time. Although I can't quite explain the memories of my other life. Maybe I'm insane and only psychopaths will believe me. We are all living in a square box and when someones mind goes outside the box trying to get the truth people come after you saying you're not normal and binge you on drugs to maybe keep you sane for a while. I really wish I was living in a life with my mother. Having no mom is like having half or your heart burnt down and a knife in your gut twisting its way around while you watch everything around you disappear. I try so hard to shake the discomfort of her being gone but every time I feel like I'm okay. More insane thoughts creep inside my fucked up head where I start talking to myself and sometimes 'God, if there even is one.  


xoxo
Dylan

I'll be skinny or Die trying.

Lately I've been good with eating. I smoke cigarettes to decrease my appetite. Take Ritalin to make me not want to eat. I also take ephedrine and caffeine pills before I go to the gym. So that it will make me loose more weight. Sweat it all out. I don't know how to diet or how to actually go on a healthy eating plan. I just  can't do it. So I've been making up the rules as I go. I drink a lot so that also doesn't help but I've lost 5 pounds in one week. I think thats a good amount of pounds to sherd after a week. Is it not? I just want to be thinner. I want to have golden skin that looks like its been kissed from the sun. I will have that and I will be thinner. First goal is to actually get skinnier. Then once that has happened I can spend money on new clothes and feel good in them and not have to worry about my thighs touching or my stomach looking like i have a baby bump. Have you girls ever wondered what it would be like the actually feel physically happy with your self. I wonder that every day. What kind of confidence I would have? What kind of feeling I would get in the morning when I see my reflection in the mirror. It would be complete bliss. I'm trying to take charge in my life style. Lets hope it works out. Today I'm going to work hard at the gym. Go on the treadmill for 30 mins, the elliptical for 20 mins, push ups for 15, sit ups for 15 mins, and weights for 20. I can do this and I will! 
Wish me luck bloggers. Hope you like my skinny picture of the day. 




xoxo 
Dylan

The desire to be thinner #2

So I have lost 5 pounds in the past 2 weeks. Today I went to the gym for 2 hours. Did cardio for 1 hour, stretched for 15 minutes, did weights for 10 minutes and did sit ups for 30 minutes. I guess you could say I had a lot of energy but only because I took ephedrine, caffeine pills and Ritalin. I probably could have gone for another hour if I wasn't so scared that I was going to pass out. Rihanna's new album talk that talk helped me run faster. It's an amazing album. Tomorrow is going to be a repeat. I am so desperately wanting to get thinner. If I don't loose 30 pounds by the end of January. I will be heart broken. Anyways, I met the perfect guy. He's 29, Australian, Taurus (just like me) and he is successful who wants to spoil me. When he told me he wanted to spoil me thats when my heart was literally his. Who says that money cant buy you happiness because it sure as hell can. Have you ever seen someone sad on a jet sky... NO. Have you ever seen someone sad traveling around the world seeing the most exotic places... Nope. If anyone says money can't buy you happiness thats because they are probably broke and don't even know what its like to have money that can get you places you've always wanted to go and have things that you never dreamed of having. Maybe if your famous and you have the media all around you, saying shit about you. That will get you down but even then they probably shrug it off and find something to buy or plan a trip. For all of you who don't know what its like to have anything you want. Don't say money cant buy you happiness because you haven't even tried it. 


Xoxo
Dylan

Once again. I am truly a slut.

Before I get into my slutty blogging. I'm going to tell you my progress of me being skinner. Its been Day three. Still taking ritalin, smoking and drinking coffee, or having diet coke. I barely eat but I guess thats a good thing. Haven't gone to the gym been to busy with work. 

 Anyways, lets talk about what just happened yesterday or the past week. Last weekend I went down town and met one of my old guy friends older brother. We bought drinks and danced got along fine. Went back to his place. We didn't end up sleeping together. I was saying stupid shit. About how I wanted to find a boyfriend. Then he said I am willing to keep seeing you after tonight. I went a bit possessive over him and I don't know why. I stopped talking to him for a week and of course every guy comes back for more. I don't know why but every guy I have ever hooked up with keeps coming back over and over again. He called me and said he wanted to see me. I let him come over and we got in bed started to kiss and snuggle... I hate snuggling but I let it happen this time. I think its because I'm realizing I'm alone. He tried sleeping with me but I said no. It wasn't a good idea. He then just snuggled me. I started to have wet dreams of us fucking. I woke up and fucked him. But never again. I feel horrible about myself. I don't think I can face him. It was great sex don't get me wrong. I just don't think I can do this anymore. Sleep with guys and not have feelings for them. It isn't fun anymore. So that's over with, already deleted his number. 

 Then theres Marcus, who I have been on and off with for the past three years. We see each other a lot. And I think he's now starting to realize he wants to be with me. The thing is I don't want to be with him. He's gorgeous but the personality just isn't there. He's such a nice guy, I feel bad. I guess I just need to let fate take its course. 

 Always dazed and confused about my life and where it's heading. Does it ever change?

The desire to be thinner.

I have been obsessing over thinspo tumbler blogs. I don't know if any of you have ever herd of it. I'm sure a lot of you have. Where girls post photos of skinny girls and they obsess over being thin. That is me. I'm now taking ritalin, coffee, smoking cigarettes and eating healthy. Also I'm going to the gym more. Well I'm planning on it. I'm tired of looking at myself in the mirror and saying to myself 'who the fuck is going to love this 140 lbs girl. NO ONE!' I need to stop being so fucking lazy and get on the treadmill. I'm pretty sure 80% of the girls and women are thinking the exact same thing I am. I am one of those girls who think being thin will solve everything and make my world a happier place. This is day 1 of my diet and I'm going to be blogging about it each day. So that it will keep me motivated.
Today I took 10mg of ritalin, 1 coffee, 4 cigarettes, sushi and a salad. That is all I'm having today. And lots of water. Let's see how I progress. I'll also be posting a picture of a skinny body that I want to have. My muse of the day!


xoxo
Dylan

I'm a possessive, psycho bitch.

I came to the conclusion that every relationship I have ever had have been crazy because of me. I am possessive, stubborn, mean, psycho and delusional. I am a manipulator. My first relationship I drove him so insane that he actually would believe everything I said. I would tell him lies and when it was my fault I made him think it was his. He became obsessive over me and I made him. Then my second relationship was also evil and its my fault. I made him so mad that he got abusive. Why am I like this? Why do I have to be this possessive girl that drives men crazy? I'm never going to be loved or liked if my actions are always so stupid. I'm pretty sure I'm screwed in the relationship department. I used to want to be single and always fucked around and loved being that way. Now I have no idea how to begin a relationship let along let the guy know I'm heading towards that way. So if he's hanging out with me he's got to keep and open mind. Every time I even say something remotely towards that, they find it to forward. What am I supposed to say then? "Lets be friends with benefits and see where that leads us?" Fuck that. I don't want to fall for someone and then later on know nothing is ever going to become of it. I'm tired of looking. I'm tired of being so fucking honest. I'm tired of liking the wrong guys. Is it so hard to find a guy in Vancouver? I feel like Vancouver is the capital of No Man's Land. No guys ever ask a girl for her number anymore. Maybe once and awhile but not really, guys just suck here. I don't know how anyone can fall in love in Vancouver. It's never going to happen for me. I need to wake up and get the fuck out of here. Girls I wish you all luck if you live in Vancouver. If you do find love here then your one of the lucky ones. 


xoxo
Dylan