Once again. I am truly a slut.

Before I get into my slutty blogging. I'm going to tell you my progress of me being skinner. Its been Day three. Still taking ritalin, smoking and drinking coffee, or having diet coke. I barely eat but I guess thats a good thing. Haven't gone to the gym been to busy with work. 

 Anyways, lets talk about what just happened yesterday or the past week. Last weekend I went down town and met one of my old guy friends older brother. We bought drinks and danced got along fine. Went back to his place. We didn't end up sleeping together. I was saying stupid shit. About how I wanted to find a boyfriend. Then he said I am willing to keep seeing you after tonight. I went a bit possessive over him and I don't know why. I stopped talking to him for a week and of course every guy comes back for more. I don't know why but every guy I have ever hooked up with keeps coming back over and over again. He called me and said he wanted to see me. I let him come over and we got in bed started to kiss and snuggle... I hate snuggling but I let it happen this time. I think its because I'm realizing I'm alone. He tried sleeping with me but I said no. It wasn't a good idea. He then just snuggled me. I started to have wet dreams of us fucking. I woke up and fucked him. But never again. I feel horrible about myself. I don't think I can face him. It was great sex don't get me wrong. I just don't think I can do this anymore. Sleep with guys and not have feelings for them. It isn't fun anymore. So that's over with, already deleted his number. 

 Then theres Marcus, who I have been on and off with for the past three years. We see each other a lot. And I think he's now starting to realize he wants to be with me. The thing is I don't want to be with him. He's gorgeous but the personality just isn't there. He's such a nice guy, I feel bad. I guess I just need to let fate take its course. 

 Always dazed and confused about my life and where it's heading. Does it ever change?

The desire to be thinner.

I have been obsessing over thinspo tumbler blogs. I don't know if any of you have ever herd of it. I'm sure a lot of you have. Where girls post photos of skinny girls and they obsess over being thin. That is me. I'm now taking ritalin, coffee, smoking cigarettes and eating healthy. Also I'm going to the gym more. Well I'm planning on it. I'm tired of looking at myself in the mirror and saying to myself 'who the fuck is going to love this 140 lbs girl. NO ONE!' I need to stop being so fucking lazy and get on the treadmill. I'm pretty sure 80% of the girls and women are thinking the exact same thing I am. I am one of those girls who think being thin will solve everything and make my world a happier place. This is day 1 of my diet and I'm going to be blogging about it each day. So that it will keep me motivated.
Today I took 10mg of ritalin, 1 coffee, 4 cigarettes, sushi and a salad. That is all I'm having today. And lots of water. Let's see how I progress. I'll also be posting a picture of a skinny body that I want to have. My muse of the day!


xoxo
Dylan

I'm a possessive, psycho bitch.

I came to the conclusion that every relationship I have ever had have been crazy because of me. I am possessive, stubborn, mean, psycho and delusional. I am a manipulator. My first relationship I drove him so insane that he actually would believe everything I said. I would tell him lies and when it was my fault I made him think it was his. He became obsessive over me and I made him. Then my second relationship was also evil and its my fault. I made him so mad that he got abusive. Why am I like this? Why do I have to be this possessive girl that drives men crazy? I'm never going to be loved or liked if my actions are always so stupid. I'm pretty sure I'm screwed in the relationship department. I used to want to be single and always fucked around and loved being that way. Now I have no idea how to begin a relationship let along let the guy know I'm heading towards that way. So if he's hanging out with me he's got to keep and open mind. Every time I even say something remotely towards that, they find it to forward. What am I supposed to say then? "Lets be friends with benefits and see where that leads us?" Fuck that. I don't want to fall for someone and then later on know nothing is ever going to become of it. I'm tired of looking. I'm tired of being so fucking honest. I'm tired of liking the wrong guys. Is it so hard to find a guy in Vancouver? I feel like Vancouver is the capital of No Man's Land. No guys ever ask a girl for her number anymore. Maybe once and awhile but not really, guys just suck here. I don't know how anyone can fall in love in Vancouver. It's never going to happen for me. I need to wake up and get the fuck out of here. Girls I wish you all luck if you live in Vancouver. If you do find love here then your one of the lucky ones. 


xoxo
Dylan

My girlfriend told me today that I had it all. The job, the place, the looks and any guy I wanted. When I don’t have either of them. Why is it when someone views you, they view you differently then you view yourself? I’m never truly happy. I do things to hope that I can live a fiction life. A life that I can be happy with, something I can make up in my head and live it out. Maybe fiction is meant for stories for a reason.  I’m lonely and I’m lost. I’m unhappy and unsure of myself. Is it always going to be this repeat? Will I never find myself? I guess I’m not trying hard enough or maybe this is who I am. Someone who lives the wild card, going against the rules in the book of life. I now know that I am complete opposite of my mother. She was a saint. An angle. Who could compete with that. If I was have the woman she was, I wouldn’t even be here. Id be happy living the simple life. Fallowing the rules, never turning to the dark side. I have more of a demon in me than an angel. Tomorrow I’m going for dinner with an older man. I’m going to be getting paid to sleep with him.. High end escort. Yes, I said it. Escort. I used to try to convince myself that’s not what I am but it is. I’ve been doing it for almost 2 years now. Wow, time fly’s. I have no idea what I’m going to be doing when I’m older…. Where is my life going? Absolutely fucking nowhere. 

xo Dylan

Why I'm single.

I think of myself as some self centred person. Whenever I am interested in someone I go hard. Then once they find any attraction to me. I just could careless. As if I were already bored to what they have to say to me. I haven't had sex in 3 weeks. I want it bad. I love sex but I want it from someone who is awkward, different, and not interested. It's not normal but its what excites me.  I'm going to be straight with you. I am psycho and possessive. If I don't get the attention I want. I wont be happy. If I do I will be annoyed. I don't understand my thinking. 
 Lets just say this, I am emotionally damaged. Girls mind react differently then guys, of course. We say we want something then expect the opposite. Each angle we do something guys will think differently towards it. Lately I've been watching a lot of shows and viewing a lot of different relationships. Every time I see it 
I'm starting to understand the guys side. We are confusing mammals that will never fully be satisfied by any thing. There is always going to be the one thing that will either make us unhappy or angry or start a huge rampage and bitch. I mean its bad enough we get our periods once a month but I mean really do we have to always be such bitches. We can't expect men to understand us at all times. They never will and 90% of the time they say something that they think is nice and we always end up taking it the wrong way. Girls the reason why we take it the wrong way is because we are just to fucking insecure about our selfs we over think and analyze everything. So there for we bitch at the men which make them think, 'hey this girl is nuts' and they run away. 
 All the men and women we see happy with each other are only happy because they aren't insecure about who they are with or about themselves. So what I am trying to get at here is that we try so hard to fix everything and bitch at everything to make the perfect relationship or have the perfect relationship. When really all you need to do is just stop and let it be. 


And thats my probably right there. I think to much about myself that I wont be able to put any effort into a relationship because I am still trying to work on myself and be okay with who I am. Rather then trying to find someone and try to make it into some great relationship when it was just never going to be in the first place by me trying so hard to find it. I am single because I am being self centred (at the moment) to work on myself to be happy. Then again... maybe I should just stop and let it be. 
None of this probably made any sense to you but this is how my mind works. I'm kinda fucked up that way. 

Will I be alone forever?

I have had my share of guys. Yes, I guess I'm not the unique looking girl that a guy will fall in love with but I have been with a lot of men. None of which who care for me. Is it because I don't even consider myself worthy enough? Maybe. I keep repeating over and over in my head what is so wrong with me that makes me this bad of a person or this fucked up as a person that I don't think I even deserve someone. I want to feel the love that I have never felt before. I want to be with someone that actually cares. I am drunk ranting on this blog. Although I think this is the first step to admitting to myself that I am truly lonely and I do want a boyfriend. Is it always going to be this way. Its been a year and 6 months since Jesse. I don't know when I will ever find someone or if I will ever be over him. I sound like some stupid girl who is still obsessed with her ex boyfriend. I am not obsessed with him. Lets be real here. I just haven't been able to feel the way I have ever felt for anyone the way I felt about him. Its a never ending cycle. I'll meet a guy then all the sudden its either me being annoyed at the fact that he likes me or annoyed at the fact that he doesn't. My mind is literally fucked. I cant like someone unless they don't like me. Does that make any sense to you? It sure as fucking hell doesn't make sense to me. Living on my own has been an absolute pain. I don't want to waste my dads money on a place where I much rather be snuggled in bed with my kitties at my dads place. You have no idea how much I miss him. It sucks. I know my father and I have had our ups and downs. Its just not the same knowing he's the room across from mine. Sometimes I have dreams where I think I am at my home, which make it the best sleep ever, then when I wake up I get all depressed again. Should I go see my doctor and get my pills re prescribed to me or should I just deal with it on my own. I always thought that dealing with it on my own would be better but it seems to get worse and worse. I know that I shouldn't even be complaining about my life because honestly I know so many people that would die to exchange lives with me. I know that there is so many kids out there struggling with where they live and how their living conditions are just disgusting. If i was in that position. I wouldn't be writing a blog thats all I can say right now because I am some fucked up person with a chemical imbalance. I don't know how I am even typing right now because I am some what drunk.... OMG!!! totally forgot to tell you! The monster poem in my blog I showed you guys earlier was submitted in a contest and I wont 1,000$!! and its being published!!!! It's kind of exciting but its also upsetting knowing the Steve was a really big impact on my life because with out him I wouldn't have wrote that poem. I wish he wasn't such a huge impact on me. It would probably make me feel better about my self. 
 This depression has reached its limit. I'm waiting for the day for someone to just put a gun to my head and take it all away.... is that so wrong of me to think? Is it wrong that I wouldn't care if someone killed me right now. That I wouldn't be afraid. 
 Maybe one day I will get back to reality but so far my reality sucks. I feel as if the world will do so much better without me. 


xx
Dylan

Why don't I feel bad?

I'm going to tell you something that I've never told anyone. I was to scared to write it down before because maybe somehow someone could track who I really was on this blog. Now that I know that I'm hidden and only 600 people a month read my blog. I am in the safe zone. I met this guy and he was at least 15 years older then me. We went for drinks and had dinner at a really expensive restaurant it was called Global. When I was there I looked around and saw my surroundings. Men with lots of money and girls who looked more dumber then a 12 year old boy. They acted like they knew everything but really they were probably just hookers or escorts trying to look normal. I could tell the men were paying these women to go to dinner with them. Just like I was being paid as well. Yes, I was getting paid to go on a nice dinner with a man 15 years older then me. Do I feel bad? no. Should I feel bad, yes. I don't understand why I cant feel anything. It is like my emotions are numb to it all. 
 While we were having dinner he was asking me about what I was going to do for living. I'm fucking 18.. Does it look like I have any idea what I am going to do. I told him I didn't have any set plans. He looked at me and said. "I don't think it will be such a problem for you." I thought to myself 'Hey buddy, just because I'm getting paid %^&$ to sit here and eat dinner with you doesn't mean I'm going to keep doing it'.... or does it? 
 After our dinner he gave me the money. He told me he would like to see me again but more of me. I looked at him as if he was crazy. Could I even dare sleep with someone that is 15 years older then me. He was average looking nothing great. I told him I would call him sometime and see what's up. 
 Knowing me and how I spend money. I spent it all in one day. Bought myself some nice things. It felt amazing! I couldn't believe how easy it was to just get that much money in such a short time. Thats like 2 months of working for me right there. Was the dinner worth it. Yes. Should I feel ashamed? Yes. Honestly though I don't feel anything. Why are my emotions never going to be normal. I haven't been taking my meds the doctor prescribed me because I feel as if I will be depending on them all the time. I don't want to feel like I have to depend on meds to make me feel normal. I want to be normal by being me. I know there is no normal. Everyone is different. I just have chemical imbalance so says my doctor but screw him. I have just reached the point where I don't even know where I'm going in life or where I'm heading to. I don't want to be this way forever. When I'm older I want to be wiser, smart and the best mother ever. Like my mother was. She was a saint. I'm not even close to being half the woman she was.

xo
dylan