I'll be skinny or Die trying.

Lately I've been good with eating. I smoke cigarettes to decrease my appetite. Take Ritalin to make me not want to eat. I also take ephedrine and caffeine pills before I go to the gym. So that it will make me loose more weight. Sweat it all out. I don't know how to diet or how to actually go on a healthy eating plan. I just  can't do it. So I've been making up the rules as I go. I drink a lot so that also doesn't help but I've lost 5 pounds in one week. I think thats a good amount of pounds to sherd after a week. Is it not? I just want to be thinner. I want to have golden skin that looks like its been kissed from the sun. I will have that and I will be thinner. First goal is to actually get skinnier. Then once that has happened I can spend money on new clothes and feel good in them and not have to worry about my thighs touching or my stomach looking like i have a baby bump. Have you girls ever wondered what it would be like the actually feel physically happy with your self. I wonder that every day. What kind of confidence I would have? What kind of feeling I would get in the morning when I see my reflection in the mirror. It would be complete bliss. I'm trying to take charge in my life style. Lets hope it works out. Today I'm going to work hard at the gym. Go on the treadmill for 30 mins, the elliptical for 20 mins, push ups for 15, sit ups for 15 mins, and weights for 20. I can do this and I will! 
Wish me luck bloggers. Hope you like my skinny picture of the day. 




xoxo 
Dylan

The desire to be thinner #2

So I have lost 5 pounds in the past 2 weeks. Today I went to the gym for 2 hours. Did cardio for 1 hour, stretched for 15 minutes, did weights for 10 minutes and did sit ups for 30 minutes. I guess you could say I had a lot of energy but only because I took ephedrine, caffeine pills and Ritalin. I probably could have gone for another hour if I wasn't so scared that I was going to pass out. Rihanna's new album talk that talk helped me run faster. It's an amazing album. Tomorrow is going to be a repeat. I am so desperately wanting to get thinner. If I don't loose 30 pounds by the end of January. I will be heart broken. Anyways, I met the perfect guy. He's 29, Australian, Taurus (just like me) and he is successful who wants to spoil me. When he told me he wanted to spoil me thats when my heart was literally his. Who says that money cant buy you happiness because it sure as hell can. Have you ever seen someone sad on a jet sky... NO. Have you ever seen someone sad traveling around the world seeing the most exotic places... Nope. If anyone says money can't buy you happiness thats because they are probably broke and don't even know what its like to have money that can get you places you've always wanted to go and have things that you never dreamed of having. Maybe if your famous and you have the media all around you, saying shit about you. That will get you down but even then they probably shrug it off and find something to buy or plan a trip. For all of you who don't know what its like to have anything you want. Don't say money cant buy you happiness because you haven't even tried it. 


Xoxo
Dylan

Once again. I am truly a slut.

Before I get into my slutty blogging. I'm going to tell you my progress of me being skinner. Its been Day three. Still taking ritalin, smoking and drinking coffee, or having diet coke. I barely eat but I guess thats a good thing. Haven't gone to the gym been to busy with work. 

 Anyways, lets talk about what just happened yesterday or the past week. Last weekend I went down town and met one of my old guy friends older brother. We bought drinks and danced got along fine. Went back to his place. We didn't end up sleeping together. I was saying stupid shit. About how I wanted to find a boyfriend. Then he said I am willing to keep seeing you after tonight. I went a bit possessive over him and I don't know why. I stopped talking to him for a week and of course every guy comes back for more. I don't know why but every guy I have ever hooked up with keeps coming back over and over again. He called me and said he wanted to see me. I let him come over and we got in bed started to kiss and snuggle... I hate snuggling but I let it happen this time. I think its because I'm realizing I'm alone. He tried sleeping with me but I said no. It wasn't a good idea. He then just snuggled me. I started to have wet dreams of us fucking. I woke up and fucked him. But never again. I feel horrible about myself. I don't think I can face him. It was great sex don't get me wrong. I just don't think I can do this anymore. Sleep with guys and not have feelings for them. It isn't fun anymore. So that's over with, already deleted his number. 

 Then theres Marcus, who I have been on and off with for the past three years. We see each other a lot. And I think he's now starting to realize he wants to be with me. The thing is I don't want to be with him. He's gorgeous but the personality just isn't there. He's such a nice guy, I feel bad. I guess I just need to let fate take its course. 

 Always dazed and confused about my life and where it's heading. Does it ever change?

The desire to be thinner.

I have been obsessing over thinspo tumbler blogs. I don't know if any of you have ever herd of it. I'm sure a lot of you have. Where girls post photos of skinny girls and they obsess over being thin. That is me. I'm now taking ritalin, coffee, smoking cigarettes and eating healthy. Also I'm going to the gym more. Well I'm planning on it. I'm tired of looking at myself in the mirror and saying to myself 'who the fuck is going to love this 140 lbs girl. NO ONE!' I need to stop being so fucking lazy and get on the treadmill. I'm pretty sure 80% of the girls and women are thinking the exact same thing I am. I am one of those girls who think being thin will solve everything and make my world a happier place. This is day 1 of my diet and I'm going to be blogging about it each day. So that it will keep me motivated.
Today I took 10mg of ritalin, 1 coffee, 4 cigarettes, sushi and a salad. That is all I'm having today. And lots of water. Let's see how I progress. I'll also be posting a picture of a skinny body that I want to have. My muse of the day!


xoxo
Dylan

I'm a possessive, psycho bitch.

I came to the conclusion that every relationship I have ever had have been crazy because of me. I am possessive, stubborn, mean, psycho and delusional. I am a manipulator. My first relationship I drove him so insane that he actually would believe everything I said. I would tell him lies and when it was my fault I made him think it was his. He became obsessive over me and I made him. Then my second relationship was also evil and its my fault. I made him so mad that he got abusive. Why am I like this? Why do I have to be this possessive girl that drives men crazy? I'm never going to be loved or liked if my actions are always so stupid. I'm pretty sure I'm screwed in the relationship department. I used to want to be single and always fucked around and loved being that way. Now I have no idea how to begin a relationship let along let the guy know I'm heading towards that way. So if he's hanging out with me he's got to keep and open mind. Every time I even say something remotely towards that, they find it to forward. What am I supposed to say then? "Lets be friends with benefits and see where that leads us?" Fuck that. I don't want to fall for someone and then later on know nothing is ever going to become of it. I'm tired of looking. I'm tired of being so fucking honest. I'm tired of liking the wrong guys. Is it so hard to find a guy in Vancouver? I feel like Vancouver is the capital of No Man's Land. No guys ever ask a girl for her number anymore. Maybe once and awhile but not really, guys just suck here. I don't know how anyone can fall in love in Vancouver. It's never going to happen for me. I need to wake up and get the fuck out of here. Girls I wish you all luck if you live in Vancouver. If you do find love here then your one of the lucky ones. 


xoxo
Dylan

My girlfriend told me today that I had it all. The job, the place, the looks and any guy I wanted. When I don’t have either of them. Why is it when someone views you, they view you differently then you view yourself? I’m never truly happy. I do things to hope that I can live a fiction life. A life that I can be happy with, something I can make up in my head and live it out. Maybe fiction is meant for stories for a reason.  I’m lonely and I’m lost. I’m unhappy and unsure of myself. Is it always going to be this repeat? Will I never find myself? I guess I’m not trying hard enough or maybe this is who I am. Someone who lives the wild card, going against the rules in the book of life. I now know that I am complete opposite of my mother. She was a saint. An angle. Who could compete with that. If I was have the woman she was, I wouldn’t even be here. Id be happy living the simple life. Fallowing the rules, never turning to the dark side. I have more of a demon in me than an angel. Tomorrow I’m going for dinner with an older man. I’m going to be getting paid to sleep with him.. High end escort. Yes, I said it. Escort. I used to try to convince myself that’s not what I am but it is. I’ve been doing it for almost 2 years now. Wow, time fly’s. I have no idea what I’m going to be doing when I’m older…. Where is my life going? Absolutely fucking nowhere. 

xo Dylan

Why I'm single.

I think of myself as some self centred person. Whenever I am interested in someone I go hard. Then once they find any attraction to me. I just could careless. As if I were already bored to what they have to say to me. I haven't had sex in 3 weeks. I want it bad. I love sex but I want it from someone who is awkward, different, and not interested. It's not normal but its what excites me.  I'm going to be straight with you. I am psycho and possessive. If I don't get the attention I want. I wont be happy. If I do I will be annoyed. I don't understand my thinking. 
 Lets just say this, I am emotionally damaged. Girls mind react differently then guys, of course. We say we want something then expect the opposite. Each angle we do something guys will think differently towards it. Lately I've been watching a lot of shows and viewing a lot of different relationships. Every time I see it 
I'm starting to understand the guys side. We are confusing mammals that will never fully be satisfied by any thing. There is always going to be the one thing that will either make us unhappy or angry or start a huge rampage and bitch. I mean its bad enough we get our periods once a month but I mean really do we have to always be such bitches. We can't expect men to understand us at all times. They never will and 90% of the time they say something that they think is nice and we always end up taking it the wrong way. Girls the reason why we take it the wrong way is because we are just to fucking insecure about our selfs we over think and analyze everything. So there for we bitch at the men which make them think, 'hey this girl is nuts' and they run away. 
 All the men and women we see happy with each other are only happy because they aren't insecure about who they are with or about themselves. So what I am trying to get at here is that we try so hard to fix everything and bitch at everything to make the perfect relationship or have the perfect relationship. When really all you need to do is just stop and let it be. 


And thats my probably right there. I think to much about myself that I wont be able to put any effort into a relationship because I am still trying to work on myself and be okay with who I am. Rather then trying to find someone and try to make it into some great relationship when it was just never going to be in the first place by me trying so hard to find it. I am single because I am being self centred (at the moment) to work on myself to be happy. Then again... maybe I should just stop and let it be. 
None of this probably made any sense to you but this is how my mind works. I'm kinda fucked up that way.