My girlfriend told me today that I had it all. The job, the place, the looks and any guy I wanted. When I don’t have either of them. Why is it when someone views you, they view you differently then you view yourself? I’m never truly happy. I do things to hope that I can live a fiction life. A life that I can be happy with, something I can make up in my head and live it out. Maybe fiction is meant for stories for a reason.  I’m lonely and I’m lost. I’m unhappy and unsure of myself. Is it always going to be this repeat? Will I never find myself? I guess I’m not trying hard enough or maybe this is who I am. Someone who lives the wild card, going against the rules in the book of life. I now know that I am complete opposite of my mother. She was a saint. An angle. Who could compete with that. If I was have the woman she was, I wouldn’t even be here. Id be happy living the simple life. Fallowing the rules, never turning to the dark side. I have more of a demon in me than an angel. Tomorrow I’m going for dinner with an older man. I’m going to be getting paid to sleep with him.. High end escort. Yes, I said it. Escort. I used to try to convince myself that’s not what I am but it is. I’ve been doing it for almost 2 years now. Wow, time fly’s. I have no idea what I’m going to be doing when I’m older…. Where is my life going? Absolutely fucking nowhere. 

xo Dylan

Why I'm single.

I think of myself as some self centred person. Whenever I am interested in someone I go hard. Then once they find any attraction to me. I just could careless. As if I were already bored to what they have to say to me. I haven't had sex in 3 weeks. I want it bad. I love sex but I want it from someone who is awkward, different, and not interested. It's not normal but its what excites me.  I'm going to be straight with you. I am psycho and possessive. If I don't get the attention I want. I wont be happy. If I do I will be annoyed. I don't understand my thinking. 
 Lets just say this, I am emotionally damaged. Girls mind react differently then guys, of course. We say we want something then expect the opposite. Each angle we do something guys will think differently towards it. Lately I've been watching a lot of shows and viewing a lot of different relationships. Every time I see it 
I'm starting to understand the guys side. We are confusing mammals that will never fully be satisfied by any thing. There is always going to be the one thing that will either make us unhappy or angry or start a huge rampage and bitch. I mean its bad enough we get our periods once a month but I mean really do we have to always be such bitches. We can't expect men to understand us at all times. They never will and 90% of the time they say something that they think is nice and we always end up taking it the wrong way. Girls the reason why we take it the wrong way is because we are just to fucking insecure about our selfs we over think and analyze everything. So there for we bitch at the men which make them think, 'hey this girl is nuts' and they run away. 
 All the men and women we see happy with each other are only happy because they aren't insecure about who they are with or about themselves. So what I am trying to get at here is that we try so hard to fix everything and bitch at everything to make the perfect relationship or have the perfect relationship. When really all you need to do is just stop and let it be. 


And thats my probably right there. I think to much about myself that I wont be able to put any effort into a relationship because I am still trying to work on myself and be okay with who I am. Rather then trying to find someone and try to make it into some great relationship when it was just never going to be in the first place by me trying so hard to find it. I am single because I am being self centred (at the moment) to work on myself to be happy. Then again... maybe I should just stop and let it be. 
None of this probably made any sense to you but this is how my mind works. I'm kinda fucked up that way. 

Will I be alone forever?

I have had my share of guys. Yes, I guess I'm not the unique looking girl that a guy will fall in love with but I have been with a lot of men. None of which who care for me. Is it because I don't even consider myself worthy enough? Maybe. I keep repeating over and over in my head what is so wrong with me that makes me this bad of a person or this fucked up as a person that I don't think I even deserve someone. I want to feel the love that I have never felt before. I want to be with someone that actually cares. I am drunk ranting on this blog. Although I think this is the first step to admitting to myself that I am truly lonely and I do want a boyfriend. Is it always going to be this way. Its been a year and 6 months since Jesse. I don't know when I will ever find someone or if I will ever be over him. I sound like some stupid girl who is still obsessed with her ex boyfriend. I am not obsessed with him. Lets be real here. I just haven't been able to feel the way I have ever felt for anyone the way I felt about him. Its a never ending cycle. I'll meet a guy then all the sudden its either me being annoyed at the fact that he likes me or annoyed at the fact that he doesn't. My mind is literally fucked. I cant like someone unless they don't like me. Does that make any sense to you? It sure as fucking hell doesn't make sense to me. Living on my own has been an absolute pain. I don't want to waste my dads money on a place where I much rather be snuggled in bed with my kitties at my dads place. You have no idea how much I miss him. It sucks. I know my father and I have had our ups and downs. Its just not the same knowing he's the room across from mine. Sometimes I have dreams where I think I am at my home, which make it the best sleep ever, then when I wake up I get all depressed again. Should I go see my doctor and get my pills re prescribed to me or should I just deal with it on my own. I always thought that dealing with it on my own would be better but it seems to get worse and worse. I know that I shouldn't even be complaining about my life because honestly I know so many people that would die to exchange lives with me. I know that there is so many kids out there struggling with where they live and how their living conditions are just disgusting. If i was in that position. I wouldn't be writing a blog thats all I can say right now because I am some fucked up person with a chemical imbalance. I don't know how I am even typing right now because I am some what drunk.... OMG!!! totally forgot to tell you! The monster poem in my blog I showed you guys earlier was submitted in a contest and I wont 1,000$!! and its being published!!!! It's kind of exciting but its also upsetting knowing the Steve was a really big impact on my life because with out him I wouldn't have wrote that poem. I wish he wasn't such a huge impact on me. It would probably make me feel better about my self. 
 This depression has reached its limit. I'm waiting for the day for someone to just put a gun to my head and take it all away.... is that so wrong of me to think? Is it wrong that I wouldn't care if someone killed me right now. That I wouldn't be afraid. 
 Maybe one day I will get back to reality but so far my reality sucks. I feel as if the world will do so much better without me. 


xx
Dylan

Why don't I feel bad?

I'm going to tell you something that I've never told anyone. I was to scared to write it down before because maybe somehow someone could track who I really was on this blog. Now that I know that I'm hidden and only 600 people a month read my blog. I am in the safe zone. I met this guy and he was at least 15 years older then me. We went for drinks and had dinner at a really expensive restaurant it was called Global. When I was there I looked around and saw my surroundings. Men with lots of money and girls who looked more dumber then a 12 year old boy. They acted like they knew everything but really they were probably just hookers or escorts trying to look normal. I could tell the men were paying these women to go to dinner with them. Just like I was being paid as well. Yes, I was getting paid to go on a nice dinner with a man 15 years older then me. Do I feel bad? no. Should I feel bad, yes. I don't understand why I cant feel anything. It is like my emotions are numb to it all. 
 While we were having dinner he was asking me about what I was going to do for living. I'm fucking 18.. Does it look like I have any idea what I am going to do. I told him I didn't have any set plans. He looked at me and said. "I don't think it will be such a problem for you." I thought to myself 'Hey buddy, just because I'm getting paid %^&$ to sit here and eat dinner with you doesn't mean I'm going to keep doing it'.... or does it? 
 After our dinner he gave me the money. He told me he would like to see me again but more of me. I looked at him as if he was crazy. Could I even dare sleep with someone that is 15 years older then me. He was average looking nothing great. I told him I would call him sometime and see what's up. 
 Knowing me and how I spend money. I spent it all in one day. Bought myself some nice things. It felt amazing! I couldn't believe how easy it was to just get that much money in such a short time. Thats like 2 months of working for me right there. Was the dinner worth it. Yes. Should I feel ashamed? Yes. Honestly though I don't feel anything. Why are my emotions never going to be normal. I haven't been taking my meds the doctor prescribed me because I feel as if I will be depending on them all the time. I don't want to feel like I have to depend on meds to make me feel normal. I want to be normal by being me. I know there is no normal. Everyone is different. I just have chemical imbalance so says my doctor but screw him. I have just reached the point where I don't even know where I'm going in life or where I'm heading to. I don't want to be this way forever. When I'm older I want to be wiser, smart and the best mother ever. Like my mother was. She was a saint. I'm not even close to being half the woman she was.

xo
dylan

Boys are delusional.

I'm not going to be like one of those girls that falls for a guy fast. Thats not how I do things around here. I have a wall up where I protect my feelings and once my feelings start to leak threw the cracks of those walls I will disappear. I don't want anything with anyone. I can't. I start to think once I start liking a guy he wont like me. Maybe I am delusional but honestly after Jesse I don't think I will ever be able to love someone or let some guy into my life. Let me fill you in on what happened a couple days ago.
 I started using this guy for sex because the sex was amazing. I haven't had such good sex in a long time. I would actually be able to finish. We started hanging out a lot. He would come to my house almost every night and then one time he kept asking me to go boating with him or go places with him. Which seemed kinda like he wanted to be more then just friends. One day we went to the beach together blazed a joint and  laid in the sun. He kissed me in front of people and held my hand. I felt weird as if fuck buddies don't do that. He also would text me what he was doing that day if we weren't hanging out and fill me in on everything as if I cared? This went on for 2 weeks. Then one night I finally told him I couldn't do this. I said that this was a bad idea. I started to grow a bit of feelings for him. He told me exactly what I wanted to hear. "Then I will leave. I don't want to hurt you." I then said. "I don't think we should ever hang out again. This whole fuck buddy thing isn't going to work." He then looked at me and said "We should just take a break for a week then get back and see how we feel." It was one of those complicated of nights. A couple days after that night I went to a friends party and people were like so I herd he ended it because you started to like him. Which is not what happened. I ended it and yea I kind of did start to like him thats the whole reason I stopped it because I didn't want anything. Why do guys always have to say they ended it. I don't understand. Does it make them look bad because a girl ended it. I felt like I was in fucking elementary school talking about it. It annoyed me so much that I sent him a text asking why he told them he ended it and he said. "Because it ended in my mind." Does that make any sense. I wasn't going to argue with him and I called him delusional. He said. "This worked out at perfect timing because I'm starting to see this other girl." Why would he even bother telling me that its not like I care. Was he trying to make me jealous or mad? Either way it didn't work. I Just needed to rant about that stupid thing. Tell me everyone what do you think of this stupid story?

Xx
Dylan

Is this who I am going to be forever?

 I don't quite understand how I turned out this way. I am probably the biggest self centred person in the world. I don't ever care about anyone other than my self. I have Facebook but the only reason I am on Facebook is because I want to look at pictures of myself or contact a hot guy. That is basically it. I could care less what everyone is doing. Facebook has been getting more boring each year. I have a feeling Facebook is going to be over with within the next year or two. Thats just my theory and if not I wont even be on it. Why? Well, just to let everyone know I have better things to do with my time then put photos of myself up and brag about how good looking I am and how great my life is. I am not being sarcastic. I think I'm hot and for a high school drop out I have it pretty fucking good. The only thing thats wrong with me is I can never be interested in a guy for over a month. I just don't really care for trying to make anything work with someone. Its to much work and I just want to focus on myself. I am very self centred. It's not that I don't like the guys its just me not caring to make an effort. I wouldn't mind having a fuck buddy though. I love sex.
 I met this guy he's literally a guy version of me. We don't want a relationship nor do we care if we see other people. It's the perfect sex relationship. Although he seems like the total relationship kind of guy. He texts me randoms things about what he's doing in the day. Is that normal? Do people who use each other for sex text each other on a daily basis and seeing what one another is doing? In my books no. Then he sleeps over and tells me he wants to leave extra clothes at my place for next time he comes here. Thats not right is it? Then he tells me how he wants me to meet his friends. This is what I don't understand. He keeps asking me questions about myself. Why does he want to know? I told him that I was into zodiac signs and then he started asking if we were compatible. Which I already knew that we weren't, I told him we were though and he said "That explains everything." What a joke! I honestly am probably more confused then I ever am when I'm on my period in the grocery store deciding if I should by yogurt instead of chocolate because its healthier. I usually end up leaving with neither.
 When we were in my bed after sex. He started cuddling me and I hate cuddling. Maybe he's just being a guy and doing it because its what girls like. I fucking hate the fact that guys will lie just to please the girl. I rather just be told what I don't want to hear and be okay with it then lie and be confused the whole time. Even though I'm honestly more confused than anyone right now. Maybe its because I am getting my period. I feel like I won't ever find love since Jesse. Its like I can't feel any emotion for anyone. I try and I sometimes feel like I finally like a guy then all the sudden I stop. They leave my brain completely and I end up not caring about them what so ever. I'm a cold hearted bitch that no guy can love nor I will be able to. It's a viscous cycle and I feel like I am making no sense at all. I hate it. Am I going to be like this.
 I also asked him (Matt) if we could see other people. He said he was already seeing someone. Thats when I knew we were perfect for this. Good sex and we get to see other people. How much better could that get. Although in the back of my mind I feel like he's lying. I guess I need to stop thinking so fucking much and just go with the flow. Or I might drive myself insane.


Xox
Dylan

Why do I do this to myself?

Hey bloggers and readers, sorry I haven't been writing very much lately but I have been busy with work and moving into my new apartment. I must tell you my place looks amazing. I have spent the past two days painting and decorating that place. Its kind of sad to know that I am no longer living with my dad. Scary more like. I am now sitting in my old room and it has never looked so empty in the past 6 years. Yes, I have lived here for 6 years. Probably the longest place I have lived my entire life. Wait actually 5 years because I lived in Seattle for  year then came back. I don't know what to do. I'm sitting here in this empty room thinking about all the memories I have had in this bed and on this floor. LOL! Some pretty fucking crazy times if you ask me. 
 Now let me catch you up on what I did last week. I am a huge slut as we all already know but literally when I say slut I mean SLUT. Last weekend I went down town with three of my girlfriends and we went clubbing. Danced like strippers and drank like trailer trash people. I met the sexiest Australian ever! If I could describe to you how sexy he was I would. Well, I guess I'll try. Okay, so he had dirty blonde hair that was about 3 inches long. Bright baby blue eyes. With of course pearly white teeth. His body looked like he walked out of a men's health magazine. It wasn't that scary crazy muscle man kind of body but it was the perfect kind of muscles. Which is my favourite because when guys get too muscly I hate it! I actually think its kind of gross. Anyway's we danced and chatted for a bit. He bought me a drink even though I spilt his drink on him. After that we started hard core making out on the dance floor. I could feel my panties getting wet from the kiss. It was one of those 'lets fuck' kisses. He grabbed my lower back then pushed his hands down the back of my shorts where I could feel his hand pressed against my naked but cheek. I was weak and wanted him more then I have ever craved anyone. He told me he was leaving the next day to England, so I mean common I had to sleep with him. He was leaving!! I couldn't play the I wont sleep with you till third date game. 
 I went to Ben's hostel, Ben is the Australian, which I have never been to a hostel before. Its kinda weird but cool. I always thought people get killed in hostels because of the movie Hostel. When I saw that movie my dad convinced me that stuff like that actually happens. Scared the shit out of me until I found out it only happens in Europe but still. I am never going into a hostel outside of Canada. Once we got to the hostel it was cool but grungy. The street it was on was disgusting. There was a hobo just chilling outside the hostel with his box. I thought to myself 'great Dylan what did you get yourself into now' but I didn't really care because I was so horny and he was so hott that it all made up for it. Once we got to his room we had crazy sex. I made him choke me and put me in so many positions that I had an orgasm at least 3 times. The when we were done my boy toy Sean called me. I have been hooking up with him on and off for the past couple of years. I forgot it was his birthday so I wished him happy birthday and he asked me to come over. I couldn't resist because I didn't want to get attached to this amazingly hot Aussie. I thought that if I stayed longer I wouldn't want to leave. 
 When I got to Sean's he asked me about my night. I said exactly this word for word. "I went down town, danced like a stripper, met some foreign, went to a hostel, fucked 2 times and then you called." He laughed at me like I was joking. So I went along. Haha. Of course since it was his birthday I fucked him. Yes, I used condoms with both of them. I'm surprised my pussy isn't huge from fucking so much. Its still tight. Soon though I can see a guy never being able to pleasure him self with my gapping hole. Since I am so willingly to open it up for anything that walks by. I honestly feel like a dude sometimes. I give myself pride for sleeping with all these sexy ass men. I am a really sexual person. I also love sucking dick. I am a master at it. It gets me going knowing the guy I am sucking is loving it more then I would love him sucking my pussy. I have never given head and them not finishing on my face or on my body or in my mouth. Thats how good I am. Every guy I have sucked off has finished. I sound like a raging slut yeah what ever. I already know. So don't bother leaving comments saying "your such a fucking slut you probably have an STD" Yeah bitch I get it. I do go to the doctor to get checking. I am surprised I don't have anything because if I was someone who prided themselves in not having sex with anyone. I would think that I had every disease known to man kind. 
 I fucked two guys in one night. That was the first time every surprisingly. Now that I have my own place I wonder what guys are going to be coming in and out of it. I hope my roommate doesn't kill me. She's my best friend and also a huge slut. So Im not to worried about it. Although she has been seeing this guy. Which is amazing for her, I am so happy that she's happy. Its just weird to see. I couldn't see or date anyone if I even tried. It's not that I don't want to see or date anyone. Its just that I cant. I actually cant sit around with just one guy. I always think when a guy is trying to be nice or says the things I want to hear that its just all bullshit. I cant believe or trust anyone. Not after what Jesse put me through. I am now ruined for relationships for life. I wont be able to trust or love anyone! No guy would even want to be with me because I'm such a big slut anyways. I am probably going to be alone for the rest of my life. I really hope I'm not but God is watching me and he is probably so disappointed in me. God doesn't want anyone to be with me anyways.
 I believe in God because my mother brought me up that way. I am christine I just don't go by the rules. When have I ever even gone by the rules. 


xoxo
Dylan (your crazy slut)