Once again. I am truly a slut.

Before I get into my slutty blogging. I'm going to tell you my progress of me being skinner. Its been Day three. Still taking ritalin, smoking and drinking coffee, or having diet coke. I barely eat but I guess thats a good thing. Haven't gone to the gym been to busy with work. 

 Anyways, lets talk about what just happened yesterday or the past week. Last weekend I went down town and met one of my old guy friends older brother. We bought drinks and danced got along fine. Went back to his place. We didn't end up sleeping together. I was saying stupid shit. About how I wanted to find a boyfriend. Then he said I am willing to keep seeing you after tonight. I went a bit possessive over him and I don't know why. I stopped talking to him for a week and of course every guy comes back for more. I don't know why but every guy I have ever hooked up with keeps coming back over and over again. He called me and said he wanted to see me. I let him come over and we got in bed started to kiss and snuggle... I hate snuggling but I let it happen this time. I think its because I'm realizing I'm alone. He tried sleeping with me but I said no. It wasn't a good idea. He then just snuggled me. I started to have wet dreams of us fucking. I woke up and fucked him. But never again. I feel horrible about myself. I don't think I can face him. It was great sex don't get me wrong. I just don't think I can do this anymore. Sleep with guys and not have feelings for them. It isn't fun anymore. So that's over with, already deleted his number. 

 Then theres Marcus, who I have been on and off with for the past three years. We see each other a lot. And I think he's now starting to realize he wants to be with me. The thing is I don't want to be with him. He's gorgeous but the personality just isn't there. He's such a nice guy, I feel bad. I guess I just need to let fate take its course. 

 Always dazed and confused about my life and where it's heading. Does it ever change?

The desire to be thinner.

I have been obsessing over thinspo tumbler blogs. I don't know if any of you have ever herd of it. I'm sure a lot of you have. Where girls post photos of skinny girls and they obsess over being thin. That is me. I'm now taking ritalin, coffee, smoking cigarettes and eating healthy. Also I'm going to the gym more. Well I'm planning on it. I'm tired of looking at myself in the mirror and saying to myself 'who the fuck is going to love this 140 lbs girl. NO ONE!' I need to stop being so fucking lazy and get on the treadmill. I'm pretty sure 80% of the girls and women are thinking the exact same thing I am. I am one of those girls who think being thin will solve everything and make my world a happier place. This is day 1 of my diet and I'm going to be blogging about it each day. So that it will keep me motivated.
Today I took 10mg of ritalin, 1 coffee, 4 cigarettes, sushi and a salad. That is all I'm having today. And lots of water. Let's see how I progress. I'll also be posting a picture of a skinny body that I want to have. My muse of the day!


xoxo
Dylan

I'm a possessive, psycho bitch.

I came to the conclusion that every relationship I have ever had have been crazy because of me. I am possessive, stubborn, mean, psycho and delusional. I am a manipulator. My first relationship I drove him so insane that he actually would believe everything I said. I would tell him lies and when it was my fault I made him think it was his. He became obsessive over me and I made him. Then my second relationship was also evil and its my fault. I made him so mad that he got abusive. Why am I like this? Why do I have to be this possessive girl that drives men crazy? I'm never going to be loved or liked if my actions are always so stupid. I'm pretty sure I'm screwed in the relationship department. I used to want to be single and always fucked around and loved being that way. Now I have no idea how to begin a relationship let along let the guy know I'm heading towards that way. So if he's hanging out with me he's got to keep and open mind. Every time I even say something remotely towards that, they find it to forward. What am I supposed to say then? "Lets be friends with benefits and see where that leads us?" Fuck that. I don't want to fall for someone and then later on know nothing is ever going to become of it. I'm tired of looking. I'm tired of being so fucking honest. I'm tired of liking the wrong guys. Is it so hard to find a guy in Vancouver? I feel like Vancouver is the capital of No Man's Land. No guys ever ask a girl for her number anymore. Maybe once and awhile but not really, guys just suck here. I don't know how anyone can fall in love in Vancouver. It's never going to happen for me. I need to wake up and get the fuck out of here. Girls I wish you all luck if you live in Vancouver. If you do find love here then your one of the lucky ones. 


xoxo
Dylan