Boys are delusional.

I'm not going to be like one of those girls that falls for a guy fast. Thats not how I do things around here. I have a wall up where I protect my feelings and once my feelings start to leak threw the cracks of those walls I will disappear. I don't want anything with anyone. I can't. I start to think once I start liking a guy he wont like me. Maybe I am delusional but honestly after Jesse I don't think I will ever be able to love someone or let some guy into my life. Let me fill you in on what happened a couple days ago.
 I started using this guy for sex because the sex was amazing. I haven't had such good sex in a long time. I would actually be able to finish. We started hanging out a lot. He would come to my house almost every night and then one time he kept asking me to go boating with him or go places with him. Which seemed kinda like he wanted to be more then just friends. One day we went to the beach together blazed a joint and  laid in the sun. He kissed me in front of people and held my hand. I felt weird as if fuck buddies don't do that. He also would text me what he was doing that day if we weren't hanging out and fill me in on everything as if I cared? This went on for 2 weeks. Then one night I finally told him I couldn't do this. I said that this was a bad idea. I started to grow a bit of feelings for him. He told me exactly what I wanted to hear. "Then I will leave. I don't want to hurt you." I then said. "I don't think we should ever hang out again. This whole fuck buddy thing isn't going to work." He then looked at me and said "We should just take a break for a week then get back and see how we feel." It was one of those complicated of nights. A couple days after that night I went to a friends party and people were like so I herd he ended it because you started to like him. Which is not what happened. I ended it and yea I kind of did start to like him thats the whole reason I stopped it because I didn't want anything. Why do guys always have to say they ended it. I don't understand. Does it make them look bad because a girl ended it. I felt like I was in fucking elementary school talking about it. It annoyed me so much that I sent him a text asking why he told them he ended it and he said. "Because it ended in my mind." Does that make any sense. I wasn't going to argue with him and I called him delusional. He said. "This worked out at perfect timing because I'm starting to see this other girl." Why would he even bother telling me that its not like I care. Was he trying to make me jealous or mad? Either way it didn't work. I Just needed to rant about that stupid thing. Tell me everyone what do you think of this stupid story?

Xx
Dylan

Is this who I am going to be forever?

 I don't quite understand how I turned out this way. I am probably the biggest self centred person in the world. I don't ever care about anyone other than my self. I have Facebook but the only reason I am on Facebook is because I want to look at pictures of myself or contact a hot guy. That is basically it. I could care less what everyone is doing. Facebook has been getting more boring each year. I have a feeling Facebook is going to be over with within the next year or two. Thats just my theory and if not I wont even be on it. Why? Well, just to let everyone know I have better things to do with my time then put photos of myself up and brag about how good looking I am and how great my life is. I am not being sarcastic. I think I'm hot and for a high school drop out I have it pretty fucking good. The only thing thats wrong with me is I can never be interested in a guy for over a month. I just don't really care for trying to make anything work with someone. Its to much work and I just want to focus on myself. I am very self centred. It's not that I don't like the guys its just me not caring to make an effort. I wouldn't mind having a fuck buddy though. I love sex.
 I met this guy he's literally a guy version of me. We don't want a relationship nor do we care if we see other people. It's the perfect sex relationship. Although he seems like the total relationship kind of guy. He texts me randoms things about what he's doing in the day. Is that normal? Do people who use each other for sex text each other on a daily basis and seeing what one another is doing? In my books no. Then he sleeps over and tells me he wants to leave extra clothes at my place for next time he comes here. Thats not right is it? Then he tells me how he wants me to meet his friends. This is what I don't understand. He keeps asking me questions about myself. Why does he want to know? I told him that I was into zodiac signs and then he started asking if we were compatible. Which I already knew that we weren't, I told him we were though and he said "That explains everything." What a joke! I honestly am probably more confused then I ever am when I'm on my period in the grocery store deciding if I should by yogurt instead of chocolate because its healthier. I usually end up leaving with neither.
 When we were in my bed after sex. He started cuddling me and I hate cuddling. Maybe he's just being a guy and doing it because its what girls like. I fucking hate the fact that guys will lie just to please the girl. I rather just be told what I don't want to hear and be okay with it then lie and be confused the whole time. Even though I'm honestly more confused than anyone right now. Maybe its because I am getting my period. I feel like I won't ever find love since Jesse. Its like I can't feel any emotion for anyone. I try and I sometimes feel like I finally like a guy then all the sudden I stop. They leave my brain completely and I end up not caring about them what so ever. I'm a cold hearted bitch that no guy can love nor I will be able to. It's a viscous cycle and I feel like I am making no sense at all. I hate it. Am I going to be like this.
 I also asked him (Matt) if we could see other people. He said he was already seeing someone. Thats when I knew we were perfect for this. Good sex and we get to see other people. How much better could that get. Although in the back of my mind I feel like he's lying. I guess I need to stop thinking so fucking much and just go with the flow. Or I might drive myself insane.


Xox
Dylan