Fallen.

I can't seem to sleep or remember my days. Everything has become a blur, my life, my future and myself. Have I reached the point where I don't care about anything? My feelings have become numb to the fact that I just cant feel or see or sleep or do remotely anything. Every time I look back on what I've written on my past doesn't make sense anymore. Am I crazy? Is my life always going to a story to me? Is it weird that I think about death? That I want to die? I know its selfish and stupid but I keep feeling like it will happen to me any moment now. That it's coming for me. I'm falling down and no one is here to catch me. I keep having dreams about my mother. How she's still alive and out there waiting for me to come see her. In my dreams I get to close to reaching her but then poof! I awake. 
 Do you believe you lived a life before the present. I feel as if I have and sometimes I remember bits of it then it disappears and reappears all the time. Although I can't quite explain the memories of my other life. Maybe I'm insane and only psychopaths will believe me. We are all living in a square box and when someones mind goes outside the box trying to get the truth people come after you saying you're not normal and binge you on drugs to maybe keep you sane for a while. I really wish I was living in a life with my mother. Having no mom is like having half or your heart burnt down and a knife in your gut twisting its way around while you watch everything around you disappear. I try so hard to shake the discomfort of her being gone but every time I feel like I'm okay. More insane thoughts creep inside my fucked up head where I start talking to myself and sometimes 'God, if there even is one.  


xoxo
Dylan

I'll be skinny or Die trying.

Lately I've been good with eating. I smoke cigarettes to decrease my appetite. Take Ritalin to make me not want to eat. I also take ephedrine and caffeine pills before I go to the gym. So that it will make me loose more weight. Sweat it all out. I don't know how to diet or how to actually go on a healthy eating plan. I just  can't do it. So I've been making up the rules as I go. I drink a lot so that also doesn't help but I've lost 5 pounds in one week. I think thats a good amount of pounds to sherd after a week. Is it not? I just want to be thinner. I want to have golden skin that looks like its been kissed from the sun. I will have that and I will be thinner. First goal is to actually get skinnier. Then once that has happened I can spend money on new clothes and feel good in them and not have to worry about my thighs touching or my stomach looking like i have a baby bump. Have you girls ever wondered what it would be like the actually feel physically happy with your self. I wonder that every day. What kind of confidence I would have? What kind of feeling I would get in the morning when I see my reflection in the mirror. It would be complete bliss. I'm trying to take charge in my life style. Lets hope it works out. Today I'm going to work hard at the gym. Go on the treadmill for 30 mins, the elliptical for 20 mins, push ups for 15, sit ups for 15 mins, and weights for 20. I can do this and I will! 
Wish me luck bloggers. Hope you like my skinny picture of the day. 




xoxo 
Dylan

The desire to be thinner #2

So I have lost 5 pounds in the past 2 weeks. Today I went to the gym for 2 hours. Did cardio for 1 hour, stretched for 15 minutes, did weights for 10 minutes and did sit ups for 30 minutes. I guess you could say I had a lot of energy but only because I took ephedrine, caffeine pills and Ritalin. I probably could have gone for another hour if I wasn't so scared that I was going to pass out. Rihanna's new album talk that talk helped me run faster. It's an amazing album. Tomorrow is going to be a repeat. I am so desperately wanting to get thinner. If I don't loose 30 pounds by the end of January. I will be heart broken. Anyways, I met the perfect guy. He's 29, Australian, Taurus (just like me) and he is successful who wants to spoil me. When he told me he wanted to spoil me thats when my heart was literally his. Who says that money cant buy you happiness because it sure as hell can. Have you ever seen someone sad on a jet sky... NO. Have you ever seen someone sad traveling around the world seeing the most exotic places... Nope. If anyone says money can't buy you happiness thats because they are probably broke and don't even know what its like to have money that can get you places you've always wanted to go and have things that you never dreamed of having. Maybe if your famous and you have the media all around you, saying shit about you. That will get you down but even then they probably shrug it off and find something to buy or plan a trip. For all of you who don't know what its like to have anything you want. Don't say money cant buy you happiness because you haven't even tried it. 


Xoxo
Dylan