Will I be alone forever?

I have had my share of guys. Yes, I guess I'm not the unique looking girl that a guy will fall in love with but I have been with a lot of men. None of which who care for me. Is it because I don't even consider myself worthy enough? Maybe. I keep repeating over and over in my head what is so wrong with me that makes me this bad of a person or this fucked up as a person that I don't think I even deserve someone. I want to feel the love that I have never felt before. I want to be with someone that actually cares. I am drunk ranting on this blog. Although I think this is the first step to admitting to myself that I am truly lonely and I do want a boyfriend. Is it always going to be this way. Its been a year and 6 months since Jesse. I don't know when I will ever find someone or if I will ever be over him. I sound like some stupid girl who is still obsessed with her ex boyfriend. I am not obsessed with him. Lets be real here. I just haven't been able to feel the way I have ever felt for anyone the way I felt about him. Its a never ending cycle. I'll meet a guy then all the sudden its either me being annoyed at the fact that he likes me or annoyed at the fact that he doesn't. My mind is literally fucked. I cant like someone unless they don't like me. Does that make any sense to you? It sure as fucking hell doesn't make sense to me. Living on my own has been an absolute pain. I don't want to waste my dads money on a place where I much rather be snuggled in bed with my kitties at my dads place. You have no idea how much I miss him. It sucks. I know my father and I have had our ups and downs. Its just not the same knowing he's the room across from mine. Sometimes I have dreams where I think I am at my home, which make it the best sleep ever, then when I wake up I get all depressed again. Should I go see my doctor and get my pills re prescribed to me or should I just deal with it on my own. I always thought that dealing with it on my own would be better but it seems to get worse and worse. I know that I shouldn't even be complaining about my life because honestly I know so many people that would die to exchange lives with me. I know that there is so many kids out there struggling with where they live and how their living conditions are just disgusting. If i was in that position. I wouldn't be writing a blog thats all I can say right now because I am some fucked up person with a chemical imbalance. I don't know how I am even typing right now because I am some what drunk.... OMG!!! totally forgot to tell you! The monster poem in my blog I showed you guys earlier was submitted in a contest and I wont 1,000$!! and its being published!!!! It's kind of exciting but its also upsetting knowing the Steve was a really big impact on my life because with out him I wouldn't have wrote that poem. I wish he wasn't such a huge impact on me. It would probably make me feel better about my self. 
 This depression has reached its limit. I'm waiting for the day for someone to just put a gun to my head and take it all away.... is that so wrong of me to think? Is it wrong that I wouldn't care if someone killed me right now. That I wouldn't be afraid. 
 Maybe one day I will get back to reality but so far my reality sucks. I feel as if the world will do so much better without me. 


xx
Dylan

Why don't I feel bad?

I'm going to tell you something that I've never told anyone. I was to scared to write it down before because maybe somehow someone could track who I really was on this blog. Now that I know that I'm hidden and only 600 people a month read my blog. I am in the safe zone. I met this guy and he was at least 15 years older then me. We went for drinks and had dinner at a really expensive restaurant it was called Global. When I was there I looked around and saw my surroundings. Men with lots of money and girls who looked more dumber then a 12 year old boy. They acted like they knew everything but really they were probably just hookers or escorts trying to look normal. I could tell the men were paying these women to go to dinner with them. Just like I was being paid as well. Yes, I was getting paid to go on a nice dinner with a man 15 years older then me. Do I feel bad? no. Should I feel bad, yes. I don't understand why I cant feel anything. It is like my emotions are numb to it all. 
 While we were having dinner he was asking me about what I was going to do for living. I'm fucking 18.. Does it look like I have any idea what I am going to do. I told him I didn't have any set plans. He looked at me and said. "I don't think it will be such a problem for you." I thought to myself 'Hey buddy, just because I'm getting paid %^&$ to sit here and eat dinner with you doesn't mean I'm going to keep doing it'.... or does it? 
 After our dinner he gave me the money. He told me he would like to see me again but more of me. I looked at him as if he was crazy. Could I even dare sleep with someone that is 15 years older then me. He was average looking nothing great. I told him I would call him sometime and see what's up. 
 Knowing me and how I spend money. I spent it all in one day. Bought myself some nice things. It felt amazing! I couldn't believe how easy it was to just get that much money in such a short time. Thats like 2 months of working for me right there. Was the dinner worth it. Yes. Should I feel ashamed? Yes. Honestly though I don't feel anything. Why are my emotions never going to be normal. I haven't been taking my meds the doctor prescribed me because I feel as if I will be depending on them all the time. I don't want to feel like I have to depend on meds to make me feel normal. I want to be normal by being me. I know there is no normal. Everyone is different. I just have chemical imbalance so says my doctor but screw him. I have just reached the point where I don't even know where I'm going in life or where I'm heading to. I don't want to be this way forever. When I'm older I want to be wiser, smart and the best mother ever. Like my mother was. She was a saint. I'm not even close to being half the woman she was.

xo
dylan