Garrett made me a better person. I stopped swearing as much. He didn't like it when I said 'fuck' all the time. I wore less revealing clothes and I stopped wearing eyeliner. My grades were picking up because he was actually pretty smart and would help me with my homework. Sex with him was amazing.
Garrett and I have been dating for about 9 months at this point. I became friends with this girl from work named Chelsea. Chelsea had long dirty blonde hair. Freckles that went across her nose and cheeks. Her eyes were green and she had an amazing body. I was defiantly intimidated by her. We started hanging out a lot and she would pick me up in her black jetta. One night when we planned on going out to her friends party I sat in the passenger seat and their was white powder dusted on the dashboard. Her eyes were glossy and her pupils were big. She smiled at me "I got some coke. Want a line?" I was about to say no but I couldn't help but wonder what coke was like to be on. I looked at the dashboard then I looked at her. She was gorgeous. I then giggled and said "Lets do it." She pulled out the bag of coke and poured some on the dashboard. She rolled up a 10 dollar bill and separated the coke into lines with her credit card. I snorted a fair size line from my right nostril. It took 10 seconds for it to hit me. I felt awake and couldn't shut up. I kept talking about anything and everything. Chelsea and I started to have the best conversation. I felt good and more alive. I wanted more. So I had another line. The music in her car sounded better. It felt amazing. My jaw was clenched and I couldn't feel my nostril. I felt numb. Chelsea smiled at me "Rub some on your gums and teeth." I did what she said and I then couldn't feel my mouth. I smiled in pleasure. How come I have never done this before? I wasn't even thinking about what Garrett would think of me. All I was thinking about was how I wanted more.
Chelsea and I just ended up getting high the entire time at the party. So was everyone else. It felt like such a good atmosphere. Everyone was having engaging conversations. I was happy and interested in what everyone was saying. I didn't want the high to end.
After that weekend Chelsea and I got high almost every weekend. I tried to keep it from Garrett but eventually he found out. I was at home doing some lines with Chelsea when Garrett walked in. He wanted to see me before he had to go to his game. Garrett's face scared me. He then started screaming at me. I had nothing to say because what was I supposed to say. That I was sorry? I couldn't say that. People always say sorry when they get caught doing something bad even though they don't really mean it because if you didn't catch them in the first place they would have ever told you or have said sorry. Garrett walked out and I ran after him.
He looked at me and said "I fucking love you and you go do this shit to yourself. Do I not make you happy? Why the fuck are doing coke Dylan?!?!" I gave him a hug. He hugged me back. We loved each other. I looked up at him and I saw a tear, for the first time in our whole relationship, leave his eye. "Promise me you'll stop. I wont be able to be with you if you keep doing this shit." he whispered. I gave him a kiss. "It's going to be hard but I will for you." He smiled and left. I knew he loved me and that he wouldn't leave me over such a silly thing. I went back into the house and I did another line. I told myself I was going to stop after that night. That it was my last night of getting high.
I actually stopped but Chelsea and I were still close. I just told her I couldn't get high with her anymore because I didn't want to upset Garrett. She understood. She was my best friend at the time. I loved her. We were so in sync and fucked up in the head that we understood each other better then anyone has ever understood us before.
Garrett and I were watching Pirates and the Caribbean together one night when I got a phone call. It was Lionsgate hospital. Listening to the voice on the other end tears fled to my eyes. Chelsea had overdosed on oxy cotton. Have you been so upset before that you couldn't breath? Like there was something blocking your lungs to catch air. My head started to hurt, my stomach started to twist. I couldn't talk or breath. I was speechless. It was her mother on the other end of the phone. Her voice was weak and it was all mumbles but I got what she was saying. Garrett took the phone and started asking questions because I wasn't talking. I couldn't. I had no idea how to feel. God kept taking away all the people I loved. My mom, my aunt and now my best friend. Why did God hate me so much. Was I really that bad of a person that I had to have all these terrible things happen to me.
Garrett held me for 2 hours while I cried non stop. He dropped me off at home and asked me if he wanted me for him to stay the night. I shook my head. I sat in my bedroom for 2 weeks. I didn't see anyone not even Garrett. He left a million voice mails. He tried walking in but my dad told him to just leave me alone for a while and that I needed space. I was a zombie. I couldn't smile nor could I move. I was in this cycle of depression that just kept getting worse and worse. I finally lost my mind and started screaming. I ripped a bunch of my clothes smashed my mirror and start throwing shit around. My dad didn't even bother to stop me. He knew that I would do this because it always happens with me. Whenever I'm really upset I loose my mind.
I started taking anti-depressants. They didn't work. I didn't want to go to school. I just didn't want to see anyone. Garrett kept sending me texts saying. "Just because your upset right now doesn't mean you need to cut me out of your life. I want to be there for you. Its been about a month and you still haven't returned my calls. I think its about time you start talking to me. I love you Garrett." I read it over and over again. I couldn't feel anything for him. I looked down at my promise ring and couldn't feel the butterflies I would get. Or how my heart would race. I finally called him.
"Finally you called! I miss you so much Dylan." He said.
"Can you come over?" I said in a weak voice.
Garrett walked into my room and sat beside me on my bed. I thought that maybe if I saw him I would feel the rush I always get. I would feel safe and a bit better that he was beside me. I felt nothing. I kissed him and there was nothing. I couldn't understand what was going on. I then took off my ring and put it in his hand. He looked at me confused.
"What are you doing?"
"I am giving you back the promise ring. I can't do this anymore. I think I just need to be alone."
Garrett tried to convince me that it was just that pain I was feeling from loosing my best friend and that everything will go back to normal soon. He left confused and sad.
I couldn't stand Vancouver anymore. I had to get out. I had to start somewhere fresh. I didn't want to be here anymore. I called my aunt (Lindsey) who lived in Seattle. I asked her if I could stay with her. She was so pleased to hear from me and that she would be glad to have me.
Seattle here I come.
..Part 5 will be up later. I hope my life story helps others. There is still so much more to tell.
xox
Dylan
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