Why don't I feel bad?

I'm going to tell you something that I've never told anyone. I was to scared to write it down before because maybe somehow someone could track who I really was on this blog. Now that I know that I'm hidden and only 600 people a month read my blog. I am in the safe zone. I met this guy and he was at least 15 years older then me. We went for drinks and had dinner at a really expensive restaurant it was called Global. When I was there I looked around and saw my surroundings. Men with lots of money and girls who looked more dumber then a 12 year old boy. They acted like they knew everything but really they were probably just hookers or escorts trying to look normal. I could tell the men were paying these women to go to dinner with them. Just like I was being paid as well. Yes, I was getting paid to go on a nice dinner with a man 15 years older then me. Do I feel bad? no. Should I feel bad, yes. I don't understand why I cant feel anything. It is like my emotions are numb to it all. 
 While we were having dinner he was asking me about what I was going to do for living. I'm fucking 18.. Does it look like I have any idea what I am going to do. I told him I didn't have any set plans. He looked at me and said. "I don't think it will be such a problem for you." I thought to myself 'Hey buddy, just because I'm getting paid %^&$ to sit here and eat dinner with you doesn't mean I'm going to keep doing it'.... or does it? 
 After our dinner he gave me the money. He told me he would like to see me again but more of me. I looked at him as if he was crazy. Could I even dare sleep with someone that is 15 years older then me. He was average looking nothing great. I told him I would call him sometime and see what's up. 
 Knowing me and how I spend money. I spent it all in one day. Bought myself some nice things. It felt amazing! I couldn't believe how easy it was to just get that much money in such a short time. Thats like 2 months of working for me right there. Was the dinner worth it. Yes. Should I feel ashamed? Yes. Honestly though I don't feel anything. Why are my emotions never going to be normal. I haven't been taking my meds the doctor prescribed me because I feel as if I will be depending on them all the time. I don't want to feel like I have to depend on meds to make me feel normal. I want to be normal by being me. I know there is no normal. Everyone is different. I just have chemical imbalance so says my doctor but screw him. I have just reached the point where I don't even know where I'm going in life or where I'm heading to. I don't want to be this way forever. When I'm older I want to be wiser, smart and the best mother ever. Like my mother was. She was a saint. I'm not even close to being half the woman she was.

xo
dylan